A couple of weeks ago I made a stop at a burger joint on my way home following a morning fishing session. Soaked and sandy, I went to the men's room to try and wash the fish stink off my hands. Even I don't like to smell it while eating. But when I got inside the restroom there was this big, burly guy, with an orange vest and a construction helmet. He was wearing Dicky shorts and brand new Nike's too, although I hadn't noticed them at the time. I figured him for a road worker, or maybe even a guy working off his speeding ticket. I waited for Mr. Nikes to finish up at the sink, then I began thoroughly washing my hands.
Suddenly he turned around and shouted in my face, "WHAT THE FUCK MAN!!!! YOU JUST GOT WATER ALL ON MY LEGS!!! His intensity alone scared me. I'd have started to edge toward the door if this guy weren't blocking it.
I looked at my hands, and then at the back of his calves. Yep, water was everywhere. I wondered, "HOW THE HELL DID THIS JUST HAPPEN? The severity of the situation became clear to me. I'd just violated this brute's new sneakers and had committed an act worthy of a beat-down, at least in his mind.
I don't know why, maybe it was because I was scared, REALLY SCARED!!!! But right then and there I became THAT WRETCHED GUY!
Without looking him in the eyes, I slowly mouthed the words, "Ahhh. . mmm . a . a . a . . s . . s . o . . r. . r . .y . . .". I just kept my hands out in front of me, staring at my palms with my mouth still open, while using my peripheral vision to see what he was going to do next. Just to make my character complete I moved one hand up to my nose and proceeded to wipe off snot along the full length of my palm. Shaking a little bit helped to add the finishing touch.
He shouted at me, "YOU JUST BETTER FUCKING WATCH YOURSELF!!!"
I could still feel him glaring at me. The big guy pulled out some paper towels from the dispenser and proceeded to dry off his calves and sneakers.
Then he did the strangest thing. He held the door open for me.
"OH YEAH!!!!" I thought to myself, "THERE'LL BE NO ASS-WHOOPIN' TODAY!!"
But now I had to stay in this character, so I shuffle-walked, shifting my weight side-to-side with my head leaning slightly forward. It worked. The big guy had already ordered his food, so he sat down at one of the tables to wait for the cook to call his number.
I could have walked out and left well enough alone. Screw it, I was hungry.
I shuffled over to the counter and said in the same defeated monotone, "Can, can . . I have aaa . . number four, and make it . . no onions on it?" I mumble-counted slowly as I handed over the money. Then I shuffled to the coke dispenser and filled up my soda, spilling a little in the trough for effect. Finally, I took a seat at a table in the back. Just in case he saw me, I sat hunched over and stared closely at my outspread fingers. Then, when my order was ready, I ate slowly until my new best pal got up to leave. After a little while, I got up too, went to my car and drove home.
Not a bad day after all.
